Pastor General Joe Tkach today announced that he was de-disfellowshipping Garner Ted Armstrong.
"Ted was a seriously misunderstood figure in our history," the WCG President-for-Life announced in a media conference held in a Glendora phone box. "He anticipated many of the changes we have subsequently made, and we have much to learn from him."
"So he screwed around," stated Michael Feazell, a senior official of the church, "so what? Now we're all crypto-Calvinists we understand that a moral lapse can't separate the elect from their eternal inheritance. We want to focus on the positive role Mr Ted Armstrong made over many years."
In a ceremony at the Glendora offices of the church, scheduled for March 17, a tribute to GTA is due to be unveiled - the Garner Ted Armstrong Memorial Birdbath. A sculpture shows Mr Armstrong holding two dice and a copy of Penthouse.
And then, as 10 years olds write at the end of improbable stories about ninja space monsters, I woke up!
Only to discover this story in the Daily Mail. Dear lord, how will Jared Olar react!
Something to give Melvin Rhodes prophetic palpitations?