Sunday, 14 December 2008

Through Much Tribulation

The 14th of December has fully come, at least here in New Zealand, where the midnight hour has already struck, and fear not (or perhaps fear greatly), it will be arriving elsewhere in due course.

This is the beginning of the Second Weinland Tribulation.

Ron, a former WCG and UCG minister who founded his own breakaway sect, got it awfully wrong first time around: the Trib was confidently announced for April 17 this year. Oops! But give the guy a break, anyone can make a mistake, right? Today it finally all comes crashing down around us, though Ron says this is in a prophetic sense rather than a literal one, and the faithful followers shouldn't be too perturbed if nothing dramatic actually occurs today. In fact he says nothing may happen for up to a year. In that case, what's the point of the three and a half year period?

This distinction between a prophetic sense and a literal one is a ham-fisted attempt at a stroke of genius. Exactly what he means is a bit cloudy as Ron is a pretty literal-minded kind of fellow, but it should at least buy Ron a few days of grace - or a few months from his denser admirers - before the disturbing and difficult questions start popping up. Questions like: what on earth was Ron really doing with that Swiss bank account he now admits to having?

We know how Ron said he'd handle disconfirmation the first time round: he said he'd admit to being a false prophet and get out of the Bible-bashing business. Of course God was merciful, and faithful Ron was given new insight (the 50th Truth!) - complete with a spiffy new countdown to wow the credulous sheep with - so thankfully the poor man didn't have to back down and keep his word, or, perish the thought - apologize.

But what happens if - heaven forbid! - Ron gets it wrong this time too? I haven't been following the great man's words too closely, but it seems he's not loudly repeating the "get out of Dodge" line from before.

And hey, Ron could be right. All that Xmas shopping and office partying poses a good deal of tribulation after all, not to mention the inevitable arrival of the Visa and MasterCard accounts in January. From such catastrophes Ron and his Santa-free flock will no doubt be divinely protected. Whether the little band of true believers, who have been hanging on Ron's every gracious word for months now, will continue to take the Witless One seriously when no German soldiers appear to goose-step down the main street in Puyallup, Washington... well, only time will tell.


Juan Rheinland said...

Critics! YOU Critics! I never said it was literal. Some of you thought I meant it was LITERAL but you weren't listening. The plauges, vials, trumpets, trombones and that occasional oboe you hear in the background are all SPIRITUAL.

My wife can witness to this being the case. After all..she is the second witness and sees exactly what I tell her to see.


I'll say this only once more.

“If by muffle..waffle..snort...churtle.. I’m just going to make this real clear to everyone. If by (inaduable..muffled..waffel..snort..churtle..) it is not powerfully and abundantly clear that there has been a great deal of destruction that will clearly encompass a third of all plant life in the US and at least the clear results of this mingled with blood the death of very much animal life and the beginning of large numbers of human life then I will (inaudilbe muffle..snort..waffel..churtle...) preaching. Just so all the critics and everyone out there will understand. I am (inaudible) to my word in these things. OK? And for all the critics if by the end of (snort...waffel..inaudible) and for most likely around (inaudible)if nothing has clearly caused great destruction and death I will make it very clear that I was (bzzz....creak....inaudible) I will do exactly what I said I said I would do on aaaaall those interviews that I have held. To do less. Well. Would be quite insane.”

I don't believe I can be any more clear to YOU CRITICS than that!

Juan Rheinland

Anonymous said...

Ok, I give up ... what is the password for David Barrett's survey?
I tried Salem with 1933,1934,1935
I tried it with and without Oregon, with and without the "19"
(are we allowed to forget time cycles??)
So could you just post the password??

Anonymous said...

All the silliness of all the Armstrong-based groups is just too fun to watch sometimes. I think that these ministers would do well to know that we do not have any modern-day prophets. We don't need them!
If their followers truly, literally, followed the Bible as they claim, they would reject these false prophets based on scripture. But they don't. We all know why. Two words. Fear and control. These two things are also contrary to faith and love.

Leonardo said...

You know, Gavin, an observation you point out about Weinland is one I too often noticed when I was a faithful believer in the old WCG, and that is how these prophecy gurus can make so many supposedly "God-inspired" proclaimations, have them fail repeatedly over and over and over again, and then have the audacity to NEVER ONCE actually admit that they were wrong, or, perish the thought, even take it a step further and apologize to the mindless morons who hang on their every word.

But then again, in these folks stagnant minds, a servant of God never has to apologize for anything.


What an astounding monument to human arrogance on the guru's part, and stupidity on the part of their foolish followers.

Will they EVER learn?

Mark Lax said...

11:00 AM here and still no Trib. Does having the Gov of the state in which I live indicted on federal charges count as a sign? Oh, wait. I live in Chicago. Well, I will keep looking and keep you advised.

Mike (EkimKS) said...

The Great Tribulation actually rebegan about 3 hours ago at sundown in Jerusalem.

Byker Bob said...

One must wonder what would go through Ron's mind if Darby proved to be correct, and Ron suddenly witnessed the Rapture occurring all around him, yet his feet remained firmly planted on terra firma.


Dill Weed said...

The Prophet who was Wrong.

I found myself wondering what would be “awesome to know” in Ron’s sermon today. (And was I in for a surprise!)

I didn’t have to wait long as I went to download it. I checked for new posts (in addition to the sermon)and lo… there was one!

There is this gem:

… Laura and I are once again in Jerusalem as we were last April when we believed we were at this point in time then.


In April, when you believed AND announced to the world that The Great Tribulation had begun and that you and your wife were the Two Witnesses of Revelation? When you believed, but were… wrong?

What makes it different this time, Ron?

"And I will give power to my two witnesses, and they will prophesy one thousand two hundred and sixty days…"

Ron, you should be feeling pretty good as you have been imbued with power from God. I think there should be proof positive as to whether you are correct this time, no? And…

"these have power to shut heaven, so that no rain falls in the days of their prophecy; and they have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to strike the earth with all plagues, as often as they desire…. And those who dwell on the earth will rejoice over them, make merry, and send gifts to one another, because these two prophets tormented those who dwell on the earth."

Test whether you are correct this time. Ron, are you able to to perfom miracles? How are you going to “torment those who dwell on the earth”? (I think I’ve figured this out – through your sermons.)

Absolute proof Ron is deluded:

"This is a very sobering time for my wife and me as we are in the city that God prophetically describes as Sodom (spiritually). We are in a hotel room a block away from where we can look down upon one of the higher points of the old city and specifically at the Jaffa Gate. It is in this area where the two witnesses will be killed and three and one-half days later, Jesus Christ will begin His return to this earth as King of kings."

Ron believes he and his wife are going to be killed in Egypt in 1260 days.

I assume he wrote this with a straight face. (Chuckles) O.K., I’ll play along! (More chuckles) Ron, we looking forward to a lot more chuckles from you.


Have you heard the bird is the word? Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird, is the word! – Peter Griffin. This is a super funny episode of Family Guy. Family Guy will punch your ticket to Hell, but you’ll go laughing. Family Guy has something to offend everyone. It’s a great show.

Sermon Summary

Ron got sick on some airline food… blah, blah, blah….

Things that are going to happen aren’t going to be “given” until they happen, so the demons aren’t tipped off.

Like demons could thwart God’s will, right?

Ron’s attempting to remove the expectation that he be specific. Weasel.

Egypt, the Nile… blah, blah, blah….

Book of Daniel, statue, legs of iron… blah, blah, blah….

Ron saw some pyramids… blah, blah, blah….

Apparently, did some sight seeing too…. blah, blah, blah….

Psalm 106… blah, blah, blah….

Its good to begin at the beginning of prayers (Wha?!)…blah, blah, blah….

Ron can’t comprehend how God hears everyone’s prayers at once… SO WHAT? Blah, blah, blah….

(It’s painful to listen to him wander.)… blah, blah, blah….

Blamed church members for doubting when what he said didn’t come true. (Imagine that!) It was Lacodecia creeping back into the church and members ‘couldn’t comprehend what happened or how big it was.’ (Yawn, gimme a friggin’ break) Tap dance continues…

Donkeys, tractors, Ramadan… blah, blah, blah….

FAQ contains more scriptural explanations. (Wonderful.)

Not going to debate about scriptures anymore. It’s a New Age. We tell it, you believe it or else. Literally.

Because ther church is no longer in the Laodician age…
Ron’s wife will be over all ministers! (This is too friggin’ good.)

Ron’s wife has been ordained as a prophet and therefore as a minister, an over-minister mind you, second only to Ron!
(Too funny, this is just too good!)

Laura’s role will intensify after the 5th trumpet. (Yeah!)
(Aww, man, it was worth listening just for this!)

All people (including all non-Weinland believers) will not recognize what is happening UNTIL the 2nd trumpet has sounded.

God speaks to Ron in his mind. (Eye roll)… blah, blah, blah….

Still expecting a large influx of people…. blah, blah, blah….

Trumpet of April 17th– not one of the Seven trumpets – just an warning toot. (O.K., Ron)…

In April, God’s Two End Time Witnesses were revealed 8 months early and the Pope came under the influence of Satan!

Ron calls these ‘thunders’. (Whatever.)

5th Trumpet 1/3 of U.S. will be destroyed. Uh-huh. (spiritually?)

1st Trumpet… starting Dec. 14th … hail, fire, 1/3 trees and grass burnt up, BUT THIS is spiritual - so don’t expect to see anything. (Big Surprise)

We’ll have to wait for the 2nd Trumpet and its physical evidence until everyone finally knows The Great Tribulation has begun.

Opponents will die spiritually and physically.

Tick Tock

Dill Weed

Gavin said...

Anon... sorry I don't know your name, let's make one up... how 'bout Eugene?

The Barrett password? I didn't think the clues were too tough. David wanted to be cryptic enough to filter out non-COG folk with agendas.


paco said...


Regarding the survey, try Eugene, not Salem. Y numero treinta y quatro.

1975 In Prophecy Church of God said...

An excerpt from my unpublished essay: "My Worldwide Church of God reflections - 1972 in Prophecy! God’s Practical Joke?

Bombs dropping on America in January, 1972!

So proclaimed the prophecies of the “Apostle of God”, Worldwide Church of God head Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA). I still have vivid memories of the dark and cold January nights of 1972. I would hide in my bed under my covers trembling in fear of the beginning of the great tribulation as prophesied by God’s Apostle and the church’s ministry. Occasionally, I would get out from under my covers and look out my Laurel, Maryland bedroom window to see if I could see the Germans that were ready to strike in my neighborhood as God’s punishment on America. Years of sermons, co-worker letters and congregational chat had prepared the way for the final climax with the German attack. There was even a gruesome Armstrong booklet entitled “1975 in Prophecy”. According to Armstrong theology, the great tribulation was to begin in January, 1972. God’s Philadelphian people were to be taken to a place of safety in the Middle East land called “Petra” while the remaining Laodiceans were to go through the horrible great tribulation with the rest of the world, and Christ would return to earth in 1975 commencing the wonderful world tomorrow.

End of Excerpt

2008 Update:

I got out from under my covers in the middle of the night last night and looked out my Maryland bedroom window to see if I could see the Germans that were ready to strike in my neighborhood as God’s punishment on America.....NOPE, STILL NO SIGN OF THE GERMANS!


Mark Lax said...

5:50 PM. No Trib. Manifestly guilty gov of my state not resigning. Claims will be found not guilty by magic. (Possible sign.) Oprah admits she is fat. (Hey!) I'm going one toot for sure with a possible half toot.

Anonymous said...

If this "Clown" had any balls he would have resigned long ago. But as Liars usually do, he ignores the right and does what he pleases. This clown is a disgrace to all those who claim to follow Jesus Christ!!!

Anonymous said...

Ronald has by his own admission proven that he is false. Hense, he is to be REJECTED as a Liar an False Prophet!

PG10 said...

According to WeinerDude the tribulation started today. Don't see much of it happening here on the West Coast. A huge rain storm is headed our way for the next three days but I doubt anyone here would think that is a tribulation event. More of a joyful event since it fills our reservoirs and brings lot's of snow to the mountain resorts.

So in honor of this miraculous first day of the Great Trib we had a great dinner with friends to share Christmas decorations. Stuffed salmon, wild rice with cranberries and chutney, asparagus, and roasted herbed fingerling potatoes. The cat's are snuggled up on blankets in front of the fire, glorious Christmas music is playing in the back ground, the tree is sparkling away. I must say it was a great way to start the tribulation!

Anonymous said...

PG10, did you say your roasted fingerling potatoes were "herbed"? Does that mean they were grown in, perhaps, a community garden situated on the grounds of a cemetery in the City of Altadena, in the State of California, where the roots drew their nutrition from a Herb?

Anonymous said...

I only want to know one thing . . . what's up with that dude and the parachute?


Anonymous said...

Between Reboot Ronald and Compound Flurry, that's about all you got as far as any Armstrong group making any splash on the media. That is the best that they can do.
Somebody want to tell these men to grow up and quit acting like spoiled kids?

Weinland Watch said...

"According to WeinerDude the tribulation started today."

Incorrect. According to Ronald Weinland the Great Tribulation started on April 17, 2008.

Juan Rheinland said...

Project ahead a few years. We will be older, if we are lucky, and saying things like...

"Remember that Weinland fiasco?"

"I don't know why I gave money to that Dave Pack church. Whatever happened to him? There was something seriously wrong with that man."

"Yeah, 2012 was another one of those YRK things."

" sure sounded like prophecy to me."

"How long has he been dead?"

"Oh wow..yeah, I used to believe a lot of things I don't believe any more."

"That's the truth...Jesus was just always around the corner my whole life."

"Yeah..I didn't eat pork, shrimp, white flour, jello, pringles nor did I smoke and gave look at me! What a mess."

"Ok ok, I admit it...I'm gonna die like every other human before me."

"Yeah, I heard that campus in Edmond and Wadsworth were snatched up by some group that turned them into Buddhist retreats."

"Didn't they find about half a million in gold coins under Joe's mattress after he got voted out?"

"Gavin Rumney? He's doing great. Still has the AW site."

"Bill Dankenbring? I heard he was studying the Bible in Formosa."

"Doug Becker? He's fine as frog's hair last I knew."

"Byker Bob? He's doing great. Got him a new Harley."

"Bob Thiel? I think he's caretaker of the Living Church of God or something."

"Dennis Diehl? Doing great. Joined a Buddhist community in Edmond, Oklahoma."

"Ron Weinland? I think he can have visitors now."

"Tom Mahon? Oh he's fine. Hired himself as a minister over the Mizpeh COG."

"Gerald Flurry? Not sure if he can have visitors yet."

"Stephen Flurry? I think he's the groundskeeper at that Buddhist retreat in Edmond now."

"Mike Feazell? He runs a Christmas tree and ornament shop in Laguna Beach."

"Fred Coulter? I think he found out Mark was wrtten before Matthew and Luke, and Paul wrote before all of them, and went insane."

"Dixon Cartright? Oh he's still around and will never run out of stuff to print about the COG's"

Anonymous said...

We have a problem with German troops in Washington.

Let's call it the Assyrian Dilemma.

The Herbal verbal told us that Germany was Assyria, and that maybe parts of it were Israelite.After all, the Electors of Hanover succeeded to the English throne which we all know is most decidely Israelite.

Now Uncle Herbie told us that Israel around the world was going to fall within the space of a literal 24 hours.I feel that the invasion of Ephraim and America is going to take a matter of days which means the TOTAL Assyrian army manpower will be required.Therefore, the Israelitish portion of the German army cannot be excused for punishment.

If the Israelitish portion of the German army is not going to withdraw from the assault force,then you have Israelite attacking Israelite...nothing new in this,of course.A house divided against itself???
But you must understand,that under the terms of Herb's prophecy the Israelitish portion of the German army has to receive its punishment for having gone astray.

Who is going to do this? Their Assyrian comrades-in-arms? How do you tell Assyrian from Israelite? Some sort of genetic test...that would be most interesting to see in operation.If this is so, this will weaken the power of the Assyrian army...can't see this happening.No commander is going to shed any part of his army that has a job to do.

So how is God going to sort out the Israelite elements within Assyrian ranks so they can be punished?.Perhaps God will use the two Witlesses to determine who is Israelite,after the invasion has been successfully accomplished and there is need for less soldier power.(But this will violate the 24hour principle).Maybe he will consult his Urim and Thummim,then pronounce a special curse on these Israelite-Assyrian soldiers,causing their tongues to melt in their mouths and their bodies to atrophy.

And there are other considertions too which we will leave untouched.

Methinks the Assyrian/German postulate is a big fable.

Assyria Ueber Alles.


jack635 said...

I think it was a great tribulation as soon as Ron opened his mouth and started talking.

Anonymous said...

The Great Tribe-Ulation is here.

The twelve tribes go into captivity.Must have been a pretty silent affair.Perhaps we are dull of hearing.

We await with eager anticipation the appearance of Ron and Laura in their designer Gucci sackcloth profit/prophet gear.I guess they will reside at one of 'Salem's poncier hotels.

Here in NZ a number of our regions are preparing for Summer drought.We don't need Ron to add to the problems.

Kiwi Kinder

Anonymous said...

Weinland Watch said...

"According to WeinerDude the tribulation started today."

Incorrect. According to Ronald Weinland the Great Tribulation started on April 17, 2008.

Time Wasters,

The Greatest Tribulation So Far (GTSF) started at various different times for various different people. For That Clown's idiots/suckers/victims it started the same day that they first listened to Ronald Weinland.

Depending on how much time is left in this age, their GTSF might last well beyond 3-1/2 years. It won't cease until sometime after they stop listening to the big fibber--maybe not until well after, depending on how much mental and spiritual damage Ron has done to them.

jack635 said...

But he inserted his own understanding into his prophecy, so his god gave him the truth after he humbled himself. Or is it humiliated himself.

17 days to go till it is 2009. Just another useless book, outdated and full of falsehood.

son-of-a-follower said...

"According to WeinerDude the tribulation started today."

Incorrect. According to Ronald Weinland the Great Tribulation started on April 17, 2008.

To clarify, the tribulation RE-started today.

Anonymous said...

Herbert would be proud of Ronnie the way he can shake and bake his way through the Bible, Dec.13 starts the count down of the 1260 days,church not ready,to many doubters,too many Willie Weak Arms now Church is ARM-Strong, ready to kick ass, lookout Big Dave, Rod,Gerald, Ronnie is ready to bring the fire down.

Anonymous said...

"I only want to know one thing . . . what's up with that dude and the parachute?"

At first I thought it was artwork from Star Wars- the Battle of Coruscant. Those jet-liners look like Republic attack craft.

Paul Ray

lnrd said...

who is that profit!! prophet! ?

Anonymous said...

Why does this culeless dude even matter, other than that he's human? He's also a wee balmy. Those who follow him will learn soon enough that he's lost in space, and they'll fly his coop. He's not inside a cuckoo's nest only because he hasn't hurt anyone, other than to give them a scoop or two of refried ballyhoo. And here I sit, taking time to type about this fruitloop. It's a pity...

Weinland Watch said...

Why do we waste the time typing about him? Because people are still contributing to the Two Witlesses' retirement package, that's why.

Who wants bets in the pool? I say Timeline Three will be the same dates as Timeline One, only 2009. They did coincide with the holy days, after all.

Dennis said...

It doesn't take a prophet, witness, watcher or apostle to see our way of being, our culture, our collective greed and the absolute insanity of those that rise to high positions is coming due.

Prophetic musings and those who make a living off it will be a good gig for the foreseeable future. There will be plenty of events, circumstances, wars and rumors of wars to trouble even the most skeptical.

Gospels of all types will flourish. The one man show of God's chosen spokesman will go on and people will be attracted to them because it just feels safer and better.

Believing something that isn't really so or trusting in an outcome that promises the individual peace and safety where a thousand fall on one's right side and ten thousand at the left leaving the believer unscathed is comforting.

Places of safety, protection from troubling times, giving ones money to insure the windows of heaven stay open and trying to find the one right way to think and believe to stay on the right side of the Deity is an endless pursuit full of choseness and specialness leaving all others unchosen and not special.

The reporter who hurled the ultimate middle eastern insult at the symbol of all that's wrong with government and leaders yesterday is just a start on the backlash that is coming, no doubt.

"May you live in interesting times."

We do. Humans create them over and over and they always seem to end in a huge sanitation problem.

Vials, seals plagues, 2012, chosen people, true church, Second Coming, tribulation, death to critics, money, obedience, truth....endless stuff that churns the spirit, divides people, crushes love and eliminates human compassion and simply helping each other get through.

While religion with its pious conviction and marginal information is going to get more goofy and insane as circumstances unfold and the piper gets paid, its going to leave a lot more people wondering why God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit never show up in quite the way they promised, as it has over and over the past 2000 years.

Personal peace and spirituality is an inside job. Religion, that stuff others pour into your head with all it's expectations, demands, drama, days, times, apostles, bishops, pastors, popes and priests is numbing our spirit.

I'm often told and repeat it to comfort myself, "you couldn't be here if you had not of been there."
I guess.

It reminds me of the line in a movie where the old indian wakes up on the death scaffold, it breaks and he falls down the hill into a cave where a bear is hybernating. The bear wakes up and all he can say is "Grandfather, is this some kind of joke.?"

morning blather...

Dennis said...


864 905 5804 still works really well after 7PM EST if you friendly types ever wish to chat. Since the ideal Xmas season is rather lonely in fact for me personally and circumstances less than Norman Rockwellish, it might be nice to talk and put a voice behind the names.

Mel said...

I am hunkered down, in my underground bunker, complete with generator, and grow-lights- with 144,000 Chia-Pets, which will grow vegetation on them in order to offset the "death of 1/3 of all Earth's vegetation"

And, in the age-old tradition of "making big money while saving others from eternal damnation", I have decided to market my latest invention:
The Chia WienerDude!

It comes boxed with everything you need grow sprouts on a facsimile of Ron's head, which is made of hardened manure.

Hopefully, the zillions of millions of people who have heard The WienerDude's amazing messages will buy these in order to stave off the impending tribulatory crisis.

Father Enrico Sarducci said...

Mel...Asa usual, you-ah are-ah hittin da nail on-a da head.

Living Chias?
Restored Chias?
Chiafollowers (Every few'ah days just sheer-ah one for the sheer-ah fun of it)

In-ah difficult ah times, people could-ah feed off-ah them instead-ah of them a feedin-ah off-ah the people.

Goes-ah well with soup and-ah on baloney.


Father Guido Sarducci-ah said...

oops...Enrico is-ah my brother...Dis-sa is Father Guido!

Purple Hymnal said...

"Vials, seals plagues, 2012, chosen people, true church, Second Coming, tribulation, death to critics, money, obedience, truth....endless stuff that churns the spirit, divides people, crushes love and eliminates human compassion and simply helping each other get through."

I think you've unearthed the missing verse to It's The End of the World as we Know it (and I Feel Fine), Dennis.

And I keep warning you, year after year, one of these days you're going to get a call you regret, from posting your phone number on the Internet like that.

(I don't have international calling on my cell phone, and am land-line-less at the moment. Sorry Dennis.)

jack635 said...

Who wants bets in the pool? I say Timeline Three will be the same dates as Timeline One, only 2009.

Hee Hee. We can have fun while warning others about Ronald Weinland.

When timeline three fails and sucessive timelines fail right up to 2012, Ron could very well re-emerge as the mayan king Great Jaguar Platypus Bite-Bite, so all can fear him once again.

Purple Hymnal said...

I told you one of these days you would regret posting your phone number, Dennis: Tom has it posted on his blog.

Mel said...

Well, apparently no good deed goes unpunished.

I came home from the Piggly Wiggly, and while walking down to the underground bunker, I heard the sound of Mister T saying, "SHUT UP, FOOL!"

Apparently, I was wrong to put Mister T Chia-heads there with the WienerDude Chia-Heads.

The Mr. T Chia heads were apparently head-butting the WienerDude Chia-Heads, and it made quite a mess in by underground bunker.
The carnage is absolutely indescribable. This may call for a new chapter in the Book of Revelations.

However, I must say that the Mister T heads are the clear winners.
And, they were last seen smoking cigars and high-tailing it out of the bunker in a hopped-up van. I'm not sure how they could reach the brake pedal, though, since they are just heads.