Monday, 4 December 2006

Deck the Halls

Okay, so it's an annual tradition. The AW carol and limerick-fest has been around for a few years now, and to be honest, I thought that when the old website disappeared that'd be the last of it. But it seems the poetic drive is still strong in us, like the Jedii Force. So here we go again...

My original suggestion was that contributions go straight to a dedicated Google group, from whence the ripest items could be plucked to adorn the blog. But what the heck - post 'em here as a comment.

Rules? A COG connection, humor, and possibly a seasonal theme, though that's optional.

Inspiration? From last year come these masterworks.

There was an old dude known as Herb
Who found Miss Ramona superb
‘Til she, tired of his con,
Put her makeup back on
Then he dumped her arse out on the curb.

Lea Anne

There was an old codger called Rod
Whose beliefs were incredibly odd
He said "the world's endin'
"Your tithes I'll be spendin'
"Just pretend that they're going to God."



Away in Ohio, no brains in the head
The little Lord David, speaks till we're near dead
The stars in his eyes looking out 'or the crowd
Doth hear that their babies are crying too loud

How dare thee interrupt me, The Lord David said
Doth Satan infest thee, sweet babies not fed
I ne'er have this sermon e'er given before
So Deacons and Elders now guard all the doors

Amazing to me, who would know, sure not I
Am Watcher, Apostle and the special guy
There is none just like me, so far as we know
So stick in thy chairs, for proof texting we go

The members are groaning, it's quarter past four
We've been here forever, please open the door
Oh no, I'm not finished, said Lord Dave most High
And let not thy babies not fed start to cry.

For Satan doth know I am special as he
And hates me so much for the guy that I be
My work is just awesome, the hits not a few
So give me your money, I've God's work to do.

Oh please Dear Lord David, just open that door
So I can revive my sweet child on the floor
For long of hot air is thy sermon today
I feel my life force slowly ebbing away.

We beg thee Lord David, get right to the point
And do not our eyes with your salve more anoint
For two hour sermons do make our butts sore
Please David, Lord David, Please open the doors


Dennis Diehl


jorgheinz said...

Merry Eczemas, Gavin,

Of comments, we see,there isn't a RASH,
Perhaps all these ditties are little but trash.
They keep our disgust fresh of fakirs and all,
And all the tithe scroungers who preach in the hall.

The end has been nigh for many a year,
And every delay costs tithe payers dear.
And should major surgery to tithes now apply,
And Paul wished the same to stirrers who lie.

The season is here with baubles and bell,
Tell all the doomsayers to go all to hell.
So spend their "tithe" due on presents for all,
Let them drink water at their dull "XMAS" BALL.

Why should they spoil our wee Xmas bash?
With molars and canines let them now gnash.
And may the stark joys of their message hit home,
With exiguous funds may their glasses not foam.

We wish them a MYTHMAS all empty and wan,
With bread and pig fat to now dine upon.
We trust that the PACK these fakirs do DIEHL,
Bites them severely but NOT in the heel.

Anonymous said...

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
And baubles hang symbolick.
Indulge in just a little folly
And imbibe things alcoholic.

Anonymous said...

May EGG-SMASH bring you every joy
And may you crack a top.
And Gerry's drink fund now employ
To drink a little drop.

A Nonny Mouse

Anonymous said...

Will Spanky have an Xmas lean
If Uniteds celebrate?
And sparse will be his platter clean,

A Nonny Mouse 2

Anonymous said...

May Gerry have a Xmas bare
Which boggles all the mind.
And in his hearty Xmas fare
He will be all behind.

A Nonny Mouse 3

Douglas Becker said...

Rod must've been thoroughly rattled,
When on Mr. Charles Bryce he tattled,
Meredith certainly gets what he deserves,
When his long time supporters throw him curves,
But we're sure glad Rod's so embattled.

Douglas Becker said...

Time once again to go ahead and deck the hall,
To go out and try to get into the mall,
xcgs forbid to go out and have good cheer,
But encourage being surly with "Bah Humbug" with a jeer,
And to be filled with malice and gall.

Douglas Becker said...

To the disaffected we offer link after link,
In hopes victims soon for themselves think,
As soon as they see,
We hope they'll be free,
And disappear as quick as a wink!

Douglas Becker said...

Is it 144,000 or 288?
In prophecy it's so Late!
The sum of all our fears,
Yet nothing yet appears,
What will be the end of our fate?
There once a group full of predictions,
Of prophecies and other addictions,
Of righteous do they claim,
But their morals all the same,
Full of lustful predilictions.
Dashing through the snow,
> From the California sun,
Laughing as we go,
For winterfest is fun!
Thank the UCG,
For Solstice fun you see,
For all the pagan blight,
They'll be celebrating Christmas night!

We just fell,
Go to hell,
To perdition all go we!
Join us now
And tell us how
Fun is idolatry!

Douglas again... said...

Preaching the Great Tribulation has now neared,
People are leaving him as he has feared,
Because of the disagreement and dispute,
LCG doctrines the previously loyal now refute,
In the back Roderick Meredith doth feel speared.

Lodging protests are now filed,
With tamed ministers now gone into the wild,
Nearing his death,
Is poor Rod Meredith,
By his successor he'll surely be reviled.

Made so by his comments inane,
Some have gone completely insane,
That day will you certainly rue,
When you'd expected his prophecies come true,
Which you'd never believe with half a brain.

Douglas Becker said...

There once was someone named Rod,
Who claimed he was sent only by God,
"This man's the real deal,"
Proclaimed Dr. Thiel,
But he was naught but a fraud!

Douglas Becker said...

There once was someone named Wade,
Who made everyone quite afraid,
Proclaimed he, "I'm the only One,"
With which we had such great fun,
Showing the fact free foundation he has laid.

Dennis said...

To the Tune of: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.

It dawned on me-eee, this Sun of God,
Was sinking and dying southeast.
Spending three days and three nights in the grave moving not.
It moved not, not even the least.

When lo and behold a great thing as they say,
Did happen, man sure glad it did.
The SUN of God was lead forth on twenty-fifth
To be reborn as a kid.

Brought forth by the Virgin of Virgo you see,
Who rises before the Great SUN.
And of real Virgin conceived and brought forth in the sky,
Is where the story comes from.

But wait there's more scattered over the year,
Of 12 animals and men in the zoo
Of Jesus the Sun going first to dear John to get dunked,
Aquarius the Waterman to you.

You see, each month of the sky has about thirty degrees of the round.
And low and behold our dear Jesus the SON,
Was about thirty when his feet hit the ground.

Dear John done told him that he must decrease,
Which in one short month surely he'd do.
But Jesus the SUN must now increase and head,
For summer the natural thing to do.

Oh Jesus the SUN would be tempted to stay,
quite weak the first part of Spring
As we read right after he left Waterman,
To be tempted to NOT do his thing.

But nooooo, the SUN had to keep on its course,
to conquer the dark with his light.
And Satan did lose this encounter with him and faded clear out of his sight.

Now 12 is the number of 12 loyal men,
Who surrounded our dear central SUN
The Zodiac is it's name known to you,
A story most old now is spun.

Fear not, however and do not despair,
The hope of the tale is deliverable,
Just don't get excited to figure it out,
And take it all quite so literal.

So once upon a Midnight Clear
The Sun did dawn upon me,
Oh not the way I had always been taught,
But just look up and you'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Now don't give me that this marvelous tale, came after the fact that is real.
For Osiris and Mithras and others you see,
Are also a part of the spiel.

Processions and Equinox and Solstice too,
all tell this great story in sky.
The Sun of God finds his birth in the cold and rises to Tabor, fades and dies.

Merry Osirismas
Merry Mithrasmas
Merry Christmas

Best Feast of the Rebirth of the SUN EVER!!!!!!!!!!

jorgheinz said...

To conform to values of today
Our carols must need change.
With dusty titles blown away,
We implement now change.

More fits our modern time.
The leftist church all pastel are
Which some think not a crime.

And put on apparel GAY.
Is IT guy, or is IT dolly?
It's all a shade of grey.


jorgheinz said...

One "Fa" and eight "La"s are to follow each line.

Deck The Halls With Boughs of Folly

Deck the halls with boughs of folly,
And drink down a glass of bolly.
Now put on your gay apparel.
And drink from the hogshead barrel.

Dance around in your pyjamas
At this time of Semiramis.
Dance in any sort of weather,
But not in the ALTOGETHER.

Charge your jugs and empty glasses,
And ensure you make no passes.
Avoid becoming hypocritic,
Go and get blind paralytic.

Dance around,be ever jolly,
'Neath the mistletoe and holly.
Let no one become a stand-in,
Fling around in gay abandon.

Spritely move in strict precision,
Despite headache and double vision.
Enjoy yourself this very Christmas
Even though you have strabismus.

Though dancing is more frenetic
You will feel less energetic.
Avoid, indeed, that glass of whisky
That makes the season pretty risky.

Have your fun and have your frolics,
But don't become gross alcoholics.
Christmas time can sure be scary,
Go lightly on the port and sherry.

Anonymous said...

Didn't you used to give two or two and a half hour sermons?