Thursday, 1 November 2007

Barbie, Ken, Martin, Herb


I used to think that Catholics had the market pretty much cornered on repellent religious kitsch. You know, plaster Madonnas, ornate crucifixes and suchlike. But then I discovered the windup Luther doll, and now I'm not so sure. To be honest, it may just be a bunch of American Lutherans with an untypical sense of humor: please tell me that's the explanation!

But, once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I got to thinking. What about a windup Herb doll? After all, if dour Scandinavians and wooden-headed Missouri Teutons can laugh at themselves this way, surely anyone can (except Calvinists of course.)

I'm personally drawn to the idea of a talking model that says "pour me another Harveys Bristol Cream, hic!" or maybe "we're in the gun lap now brethren," but other possibilities abound. Any suggestions?

Of course, a GTA doll would be more properly referred to as an action figure, and be anatomically correct.

Meantime I'm rather tempted to order a set of those Sin Boldly beer glasses.

29 comments:

VonHowitzer said...

Gavin:

What you really want for ol' Herb is a bobble head doll, with authentic shaking jowls.

Heck, giving him a whack every now and then might even be therapeutic!

For every other COG luminary, the bobbing head shows just the right attitude of agreement.

Anonymous said...

Well, it is better than GI Joe Jr. Life like hair, kung fu grip.

Lussenheide said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lussenheide said...

Gavin and all:

In order for a toy company to have enough "economic mass" you have to have an entire product line.

Video games would be a natural growth outlet. I can imagine a bloodthirsty action video game entitled something like "1975 in Prophecy"!

Legoland is the outcrop of the Lego building block empire. Perhaps Harvest Rock would consider converting the old AC into a COG "Disneyland".

I can imagine "peoplemover" gondolas traveling throughout the campus to places like "World Tommorow Land", and additionally, also a "splash ride" that runs down the big hill to a dramatic wet splash finish right at the base of the Egrets!

Modern computer driven Robotic GTA and HWA figures could even give a 5 minute homily right in the Auditorium itself.

House of Horrors is already there and good to go!

Would love to see a Joe Jr. action figure. Press the button on his back and two horns pop up out of his head!

Lussenheide

Corky said...

Dolls?! What about a dart board? A punching bag?

How about a dice game board that takes you through the cult and out into therapy. It could include squares where you pay tithes, holding areas where you go to AC until you roll a 6, holding areas for when you land on a "your old car breaks down" square until you play a tow in and repair card . . .

You have to keep going around and around this board (like monopoly) until you collect enough "clues" to enter therapy. One "get a clue" square on each side of the board.

Squares where you pay bills and the one square where you collect your pay check and pay your tithes. Several free will offering squares scattered around the board.

Libro 66 said...

The Transformers -- more than meets the eye! Joe Jr. and his Decepticons going to court against Gerald Flurry and his Autobots! Give'm laser guns just like the cartoons!

Why stop at a Lego AC auditorium? Let's have Lego versions of Flurry's AC, Meredith's HQ, that chemical plant United tried to move next to, and of course Petra!

Video Games:

A Sims mod depicting COG personalities! Hmm... better make sure you can't see inside some of those rooms...

Anyone remember the old game Tapper? Mod the game so the thirsty customers resemble COG evangelists! If you don't serve them fast enough, they mop up the bar with you!

Space Invaders: I've always wanted to replace the invading aliens with the faces of certain COG leaders.

Super Mario Brothers: Rescue your girlfriend from the church's HQ! "Thank you Mario, but the Princess is in a different COG!"

Board Games:

Clue: Mr. Armstrong's church has been destroyed. Whodunit, and where? Was it Mr. Armstrong, Mr. Armstrong's estranged son? Or Mr. Rader, the overnight evangelist? Or Dr. Tkach, the smiling psychologist? I know! Osamu Gotoh, in the Japanese Diet, with the smuggled camera!

Monopoly: Pick a token corresponding to a COG leader and try to assert your leadership over the entire church! Rename the railroads after hustling techniques such as the Place of Safety, the Lake of Fire, etc. Boardwalk of course is now Ambassador Auditorium. Replace the Policeman with a pastor, accompanied by the caption "You're Disfellowshipped!" Of course that means "Jail" is now "Disfellowshipped" -- and there's no "Just Visiting" in that space. The fourth space after GO says "Tithes: pay $200 or 30%."

A COG-based chess set?

Hey, how about a television series -- or movie tie-ins? ... nah, too boring. No ratings.

Anonymous said...

How about up the ante. Skip the COG movements for figures. Just use the Bible.

David Doll: A man after God's own heart who loves chicks and maybe Jonathan a bit too much. Pull the string..."Whoa mama!" "I can dance naked if I want to." "I'm old and cold, warm me with hotties."

Moses Doll: Carries two distinctly different sets of the Big Ten. Pull the string and he says, "Kill every man his neighbor..bwa ha ha." "I killed one of my neighbors once." "Smite them, Smite them, yea, smite them again and often." "My bronze snake isn't idolatry." "Behold my snake and live." Stuff like that.


Pharoah Magician Doll: "Doh! I should have turned the blood back into water."

Adam Doll: Pull the string..."Eve told me I was naked." "I have 11 pairs of ribs, Ten fixed, one floating and one floater missing a partner." "I am a type of Jesus, whoever he is."

Eve Doll: Oh we already have Barbie

Absolom Doll: Sings "Swingin too Low, sweet chariot..coming for to carry me home." "

Peter Doll: Pull the string..."I never knew him." "I'll make a fabulous Pope." "I know you are, but what am I?"

James Doll: "Paul is an idiot."

Paul Doll: "James is a fool." "I'm not gay, I just don't like to date."

Mary Magdalene: "I'm not demon possessed, and neither am I."

Gospel Jesus. "Suffer the little children to come unto me for of such is the Kingdom of God."

Revelation Jesus: "Nuke the Kids, make 'em suffer." "God is Love but not at the moment." "God made me do it."

You know...stuff like this.

Anonymous said...

Lussenheide said...

Gavin and all:

In order for a toy company to have enough "economic mass" you have to have an entire product line.

Video games would be a natural growth outlet. I can imagine a bloodthirsty action video game entitled something like "1975 in Prophecy"!



I think a toy HWA in the mold of "Stretch Armstrong" would be appropriate. He did after all stretch a few scriptures. And it be a great stress reducer stretching Herbie to heights he never knew in real life.

Btw, who ever suggested the dart board, it'd have to be a "Ron Dart Board". Each section would have a historical Ron Dart doctrinal position and you'd get no points at all for a bullseye.

Games like Quake offer the ability for end users to create their own characters, I'm surprised someone hasn't already created a set of monsters with famous preachers faces on them.

Anonymous said...

And the WCG Monopoly game should have a "Get out of Hell Free" card in the set.

Anonymous said...

Dorothy's doll cries and sings, "There's No Place Like Home".

Herb's doll: "I Did It MY Waaaay!".

Mel said...

Funny!
A couple of weeks ago I bought the "Rock-em Sock-em Robots" toy from someone selling it on Craigslist. It's in mint condition.
I've had this idea for awhile, and plan on turning it into "Rock-em Sock-em Armstrongs" by sticking pictures of Herb's and Ted's faces on the two robots, and the WCG emblem on the side of the boxing ring.

As far as sound bytes to use for a video clip of them boxing, "good bye, friends!" comes to mind, as one Armstrong knocks the other's block off.

Any further ideas for this endeavor? What to call the fight?
Something akin to the "Thrilla in Manilla" would be good.

"IN THIS CORNER, WITH A GIRTH THAT EXCEEDS HIS HEIGHT, IS THE LITTLE WIENER FROM PASADEENER!"

"IN THE OTHER CORNER, WEARING CROTCHLESS BOXERS, IS THE TATTOOED DANDY FROM BIG SANDY!"

LET'S GET READY TO RRRRUMBLE!!!!

minimalist said...

Going by his excellent logic and scientific approach, If Luther were alive today, he'd probably be a good agnostic. That's why ex WCG members become such good agnostics - we were encouraged by the Armstrongs to take a logical, scientific approach. This had the unintended result of helping many extricate themselves from, first the sect, then the cult of Christianity itself !

Stingerski said...

minimalist said:

Going by his excellent logic and scientific approach, If Luther were alive today, he'd probably be a good agnostic.

Or quite possibly a deist, as I am. Deism is the next logical step away from Christianity. We are, in a sense, like agnostics. We do not pretend to know what ignorant men like Christians are sure of. But unlike agnostics, we have not abandoned the idea that the Universe is a product of design, and not blind chance.

Just who and what the designers are we don't know. They left the building long ago. Or perhaps they are right here in another dimension that we are not presently living in or privy to.

Tom said...

>>I'm personally drawn to the idea of a talking model that says "pour me another Harveys Bristol Cream, hic!" or maybe "we're in the gun lap now brethren," but other possibilities abound.<<

I suppose as we approach the silly season of X'mas, people tend to go over the top, either getting into debt buying things that they can't afford or drinking too much and losing their inhibitions. But descending to discussing dolls is a new departure. Still, with the mindset of the people here, I suppose anything is possible!

>>Any suggestions?<<

Yes, stop banging your head against the wall, and the pain will go away.

Douglas Becker said...

Yes, stop banging your head against the wall, and the pain will go away.

Unfortunately, Armstrongism is the spiritual equivalent of brain cancer. It doesn't matter whether or not the pain goes away. You end up dead either way.

It all gets down to incompetence. Herbert Armstrong may have been successful in creating a Church Corporate Cash Cow, but as a minister, he was a bust, particularly if you examine the Scriptural criteria. He was an incompetent who built an empire based more on chance and opportunism than any kind of foresight.

The grand incompetence continues after his death: A bunch of guys attempting to explain *EVERYTHING* and seeming to have an explanation for everything, but they are utterly clueless, totally incompetent. They can't even agree on what to be incompetent about. That's why there are so many spit-offs. They posture, but they certainly don't have the answers they deceive people to think they have.

The incompetence should not be any kind of surprise. William Miller was the foundation of the incompetence back in the 1840s. Jesus Christ didn't return. What a shock. Oh, well, we'll build a religion on his non return. The result is that the CoG7 has a lot of splits on its own without any aid from Herbert Armstrong at all.

Now we have a dead false prophet / apostle who founded an empire. The little guys left bereft want to rebuild the empire, but neither have a clue as how to do it, nor have the wherewithal or competence to rebuild in a world which has changed forever and has moved on from the Fifties. In some cases, the 1850s.

While they may have great patter and good looking websites, there isn't much of substance in terms of competence with all the various parties vying for top spot in an irrelevant venue of incompetents. Each one wants the top spot of incompetence, it's just that it's called being the Apostle. It's sad really.

And so we have Ambassador Watch: An attempt to sort out the incompetence. This particular topic is logical: The incompetence makes no sense whatsoever, so why not make fun of it? It's stupid, but what can you do? Might as well laugh it off.

Unfortunately, incompetence is no laughing matter. People die. Lives are ruined. Plus, it's just confusing and obfuscates issues which should have been settled long ago if it weren't for the confusion caused by spiritual midgets.

And then we have the incompetent's incompetent who just can't have fun with the exposure of the incompetence. It's just plain silly to protest that something isn't getting a fair hearing when it is plain silly and doesn't deserve the time of day except to make fun of it.

Sorry, the mystery is gone. Curiosity wanes. We know the magic trick. It simply doesn't matter any longer.

And incompetence just isn't the fun it used to be.

Anonymous said...

Tom Said: "I suppose as we approach the silly season of X'mas, people tend to go over the top, either getting into debt buying things that they can't afford or drinking too much and losing their inhibitions. But descending to discussing dolls is a new departure. Still, with the mindset of the people here, I suppose anything is possible!"

Tom,

This Christmas will be my 12th and I have not gone into debt buying Christmas gifts for friends and family once in those 12 years. You would be surprised what you can afford when you aren't paying into a 3 tithe system, plus extra offerings, building fund, etc. I've been able to buy quality goods and services for my family, take them on nice enjoyable vacations (That don't include hours of sitting on metal chairs listening to mindless blather on a daily basis), invest in our future, and donate money to real charitable organizations and mission trips that actually help people...regardless of religious affiliation.

Hooray for me, right? Well, my point is that your statement on Christmas shopping and debt is taken right out of herbie's playbook. It wasn't accurate then and nor is it now. People can be irresponsible or responsible with their finances within or without the armstrong nightmare.

Try to view things objectively and subjectively. I know, from experience, that it is extremely difficult to do that when you are still brainwashed by armstrongism...but with effort, it can be done.

Corky said...

Tom Said: "I suppose as we approach the silly season of X'mas, people tend to go over the top, either getting into debt buying things that they can't afford or drinking too much and losing their inhibitions."

At the silly season of the feast of booze, there was a lot of that drinking too much. There was a lot of that buying things they couldn't afford at that feast of booze too. Getting into debt paying tithes instead of the bills . . . get a clue man.

Tom said...

>>>Unfortunately, Armstrongism is the spiritual equivalent of brain cancer. It doesn't matter whether or not the pain goes away. You end up dead either way.<<<

I take it that you're speaking from experience, and this is a rhetorical question?

>>>...but as a minister, he was a bust, particularly if you examine the Scriptural criteria.<<<

Perhaps you can enlighten the blog by posting the scriptural criteria.

Anonymous said...

Tom,

The bible, which you hold to be inerrant is quite clear on the qualifications to be an elder and an apostle. Among them is to be "Blameless" and "To have seen the risen Christ". Herbie did not meet the criteria. I'm not going to quote chapters and verses for you and I hope Doug and Corky don't either. You have had enough free passes. No more information for you until you cowboy the hell up and starting answering some of the questions put to you.

Anonymous said...

This year will be my, and my daughter's first Christmas. Happy Saturnalia! I intend on my daughter having fond memories of her childhood, all tied with a holiday that will evoke a sense of family. It will NOT be the Feast of Booze.


Paul

Anonymous said...

Paul said: "This year will be my, and my daughter's first Christmas. Happy Saturnalia! I intend on my daughter having fond memories of her childhood, all tied with a holiday that will evoke a sense of family. It will NOT be the Feast of Booze."

Tidings of Comfort and Joy to you Paul! This is what it is all about. Each year my family has enjoyed Christmas more than the last. It truly is the "Most wonderful time of the year!"

Lussenheide said...

All:

Several here have mentioned that they will be, or have, celebrated Christmas.

I find this very curious. There is much vitriol against the concept of God, or the Bible or religion here on the Ambassador Watch Blog.

I may pick on the hierarchial foolishness of COG Orgs, or the "COG Culture" but hey, there was much that was true that was taught. Christmas as taught by the COG was accurate.

Christmas is just plain foolishness. An odd mishmash of secular goofiness. Weak and beggardly, based on paganism and commercially exploited for pure profit.

Why would anyone want to re-embrace that? Especially if someone, as many here claim, to not even believe in God or the Holy Scriptures.

I am not asking in an accusatory tone, or berating you. I simply do not understand the syncretism. How does one do it with a straight face?

Please enlighten me.

Lussenheide

Anonymous said...

Lussenheide:


Speaking for myself only:

I can do it because Christmas to me, *is* all about celebrating the birth of Christ, giving, and family togetherness; *not* the pagan rites or Nimrod, nor ipods and Xbox. Quite frankly, some of the "holy" days in the WCG, if you traced them backwards are rooted in ancient fertility rites, which had its basis in goddess worship.

I still celebrated some of the WCG days with certain members still so afflicted for old times sake until it became awkward for them. Their loss.

A day is what you make it. Nothing more nothing less.

I could give a far more detailed response but the items above sum it up nicely.

Anonymous said...

Please enlighten me.

Lussenheide

We're pagans...we HAVE to keep it! :)

Corky said...

Lussenheide said...
All:
Christmas is just plain foolishness. An odd mishmash of secular goofiness. Weak and beggardly, based on paganism and commercially exploited for pure profit.

Why would anyone want to re-embrace that? Especially if someone, as many here claim, to not even believe in God or the Holy Scriptures.


How about it being centuries old and just plain fun to do? It has nothing to do with "embracing" or re-embracing, it has to do with just plain old family tradition.

Did I mention that it is fun? The flashing colorful lights, the smell of evergreen in the house in the dead of winter. A log burning in the fireplace and friends sharing a big bowl of eggnog and keeping warm together.

The beautiful presents wrapped in gold, silver, red and blue under a green Christmas tree, symbolizing the love from one to another.

Did I mention that it is fun?

Ever unwrap a gift from someone you love? It's a hopeful and expectant moment and full of gladness and joy.

Did I mention that it is fun to go through the stores and see all the Christmas stuff displayed or to drive through the neighborhood and look at all the Christmas decorations that have been painstakenly placed there for you to see?

If someone says to me that when they put up a tree and decorate it with silver icicles, candy canes, delicate ornaments and lights that that wasn't fun, I say they are a liar.

When someone, as a child, got presents at Christmastime and then tells me that they hated that holiday as a child, they are a liar.

Commercialism aside, the holiday is about friends, family, love, giving, togetherness and sharing and if I forgot to mention it, it's fun.

Anonymous said...

Corky,

But atheists don't have their own holiday to celebrate life, do they?

Christmas may have its roots in pagan antiquity, but the holiday is now known as Christian holiday, celebrating the birth of Christ, not "about friends sharing a big bowl of eggnog and keeping warm together".

Why would an atheist want to celebrate a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, when they can celebrate atheism April 1st?

Corky said...

Anonymous says:
Why would an atheist want to celebrate a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, when they can celebrate atheism April 1st?

Why April 1st? We're not the ones who are fooled by the God delusion of the parasitic priests.

To me, Xmas is fun, you can celebrate it any way you like. It is just the winter solstice after all, no big deal. And, it's not Jesus' birthday either.

Atheists don't get a day, we're not an important enough minority group - yet. Maybe someday people will realize that Jesus ain't comin' back, until then you just go ahead and get those tithes paid.

Anonymous said...

anonymous,

An atheist (I'm not) might want to celebrate Christmas for all the reasons Corky stated in his post on the subject. Go back and reread his post.

Tip for you: We Christians don't score any points with Atheists when our Christian example to them is to shower them with insults like suggesting they celebrate Fool's Day for their own holiday.

Corky said...

Yes, Charlie, they do score points - for the atheist's side. It just goes to show what they really are, besides being bible thumpers, that is.

What they are is arrogant, self-righteous, pretentious and just downright mean. Only very mean-spirited people can believe in hell-fire doctrines and worship a god they make responsible for it.

Just let the Christians keep on ranting and railing, good, honest, decent people are catching on to it.