Caramel Onyx - Iranian opulence in Edmond

Hot off the press comes news that Oklahoma philanthropist and Prophet Gerry Flurry has picked up some expensive baubles for his Ambassador Auditorium clone.

Pastor General Gerald Flurry has approved the interior lighting and semi-precious stone finishes that will adorn the grand lobby of Armstrong Auditorium. Three diamond-shaped crystal chandeliers and coordinating wall sconces were approved, in addition to a caramel-color onyx that will decorate three feature walls in the grand lobby...

The caramel color was chosen to complement the interior finishes and overall color scheme of the building. After viewing several samples that ranged from light cream to dark caramel, Mr. Flurry approved the darker color, and it was agreed that the buyer in Iran should choose the onyx that matched this color during extraction at the quarry.

Nice to know that the Iranian economy is getting a boost from the tithe-payers of the PCG.

Full PR release here.

On the piste with Gerry

The question of the hour: how competent is Philadelphia Church of God Pastor General Gerry Flurry on the piste? We don't even know if he can ski - seems more the toboggan type. But if he does decide to sluice down the slushy slopes we hope he'll be sober.

So much for the term piste - pronounced peest according to my dictionary - not the more obvious way. So now let's move on to a completely unrelated subject.

Short of a little light reading? Enjoy crime TV shows and Judge Judy? Boy, have we got a deal for you. Yes, we all knew about this already... courtesy of the Painful Truth and other sites. But this is more than just old news if you've never seen the official documentation (available as a PDF file).

So settle back in the armchair, crack a six pack and tuck a copy of the Philadelphia Trumpet under the cushion to establish the mood. Then click across.

Finally, a little helpful counsel for confused or disoriented Pastor Generals (or is that Pastors General?) and wannabe prophets...

* never attempt to drive off when a police officer stops to have a wee chat.
* never attempt to bribe a police officer - at least with anything as small as a $20 bill.
* never tell obvious porkies to a police officer.
* if you're gonna drink and drive, make it a ginger beer.

Addendum: some people may be having problems with the link. If so, here's an alternate URL.

Can any good thing come out of Dunedin?

Dunedin. Just a tad north of the South Pole. Hills. The world's steepest street. Grey, Calvinist weather (yup, that's two locals in the pic taking a stroll on the beach!), Rugby's "House of Pain."

Once in the long ago I lived in Invercargill, even closer to the icebergs. Forget the Aussie pretenders - we're talking the real Down Under. It was a brief tenure, but I have fond memories of life as a "mainlander." Fond but chilly. Well, mainly chilly. These days I've a continuing association with the South Island through Otago University (New Zealand's oldest and coldest seat of higher learning) where this Aucklander is chipping away (from a safe temperate-zone distance) at a degree in theology. I'd chance a reference to ice-picks, but not all Scots-descended Dunedinites are famous for their sense of humor (which explains a great deal about Presbyterians in general.)

Frankly, I woudn't have imagined a COG-related Kiwi blog coming from such sub-arctic climes, unless Max or Fraser decided to further their agenda (let the reader understandeth.) But then - great burning Scarfie sofas - it appears one has. Peter, take a bow. Pull on a jumper and an extra pair of socks then click across to check it out.

First impressions? Nice job.

Two Witnesses have date with IRS

Great news scoop from Mike over at Don't Drink the Flavor Aid. At last Ron gets some much deserved attention... Couldn't happen to a nicer chap!

CGI - rattling on...

It's somehow comforting to know that, deep in the heart of East Texas, the Church of God International is still plugging away long after founder Garner Ted Armstrong was booted out following a naked romp with a local masseuse.

Now a new initiative is getting the de-Armstronged CGI gospel out via YouTube. Here's a sample from the very personable Bill Watson.



Searching for the CGI offerings on YouTube is a daunting task however. Try typing in "Armour of God" (British spelling) and you get Jackie Chan movie clips. Try typing in "Church of God International" and you get the unrelated Filipino sect MCGI. Holy Identity Crisis, Batman!

CGI made its debut in 1978 with Garner Ted and Ron Dart at the helm and has spawned an impressive number of splinter groups in its own right. It's not quite as dead as the dinosaurs in Bill's video, but it's also doubtful a few YouTube flicks will do much to haul it off the endangered list either.

By what authority?

After watching the coronation of the king of Tonga, I've decided there is a branch of Christianity more deviant than Armstrongism, ancient or modern.

I'm a PC kind of guy, culturally sensitive to the reality of living in a multi-ethnic world where people of diverse backgrounds rub shoulders. But the bastardized display of European religion and Pacific heritage on display in Nuku'alofa was simply nauseating.

Sitting on a golden throne gifted by the People's Republic of China (!), the monarch received the rites of ascension from the Anglican archbishop of Polynesia, a middle aged man in drag.

According to Paul Johnson there are two ways Christendom sets forth to evangelize:

One is to evangelize the lowest and least privileged elements, capture their allegiance in huge numbers, and so work upward from the base... The second is to aim at the elite, or even at the individuals at the head of the elite, obtain recognition or adoption of the faith as a matter of state policy, and then work downwards, by authority, example or force (or all three).
Johnson, A History of Christianity, 410

Kings are crowned by men in dresses because their royal authority is thought to come from the fossilized Sky Father in Heaven. Resist Lord Muck and you're fighting God. Citizens therefore need to know their place and keep to it. The people of Tonga had to riot in the streets last year to make their call for democracy heard.

These days most of us have no illusions about the divine rights of Europe's chinless aristocracy. Kings, along with presidents and prime ministers, serve at the will of the people; which is why lobbiests invest in PR firms rather than prayers.

Whether Mitre-Man Jabez Bryce was conflicted by the anachronism isn't known, but the archbishop trotted out the full paraphernalia in a cringing rip-off of European privilege: antiquated language, silly hat, oil of anointing. The choir even sang Zadok the Priest.

The fisherfolk who accompanied Jesus would have laughed themselves silly.

The good news is that just hours before the festivities, George Tupou V (known to his buddies as G5) announced his intention to bring democratic reform to his tiny nation. By so doing he may have avoided the indignity bestowed not long ago on his Nepalese counterpart.

Armstrongism or Anglicanism? Hmm, tough choice.

The Herbal Zone

The Most Eminent Rev. KScribe has produced a special 20 minute "Birthday Bash" video to mark (in the non-disfellowship sense) the sacred date of July 31.

The way KScribe describes it though, it sounds as though this might be his final audio-visual treat. He writes: I think this will be the last video. I find that it is just too time consuming as a project anymore. Hopefully the folks that have belonged to or who are still in the cults will find it useful in the healing process.

And treat it is with a clip from an ancient episode ("Nick of Time") from The Twilight Zone featuring a young, pre-USS Enterprise William Shatner.

Zen and the Art of Armstrongism

The latest Journal, dated May 31, is out. The flavor of the month is sweet and sour, a mouth puckering contrast between Dennis Diehl and Alan Knight, Dave Havir and Norman Edwards.

My favorite headline: "Jerry Falwell believed Jesus was crucified Wednesday evening."

That's meant to add credibility to the Wednesday crucifixion theory?

New Zealanders of my generation remember Falwell best for his appearance in an Oxford Union debate on the nuclear issue opposite former Prime Minister David Lange.

My German forebears arrived here on the same sailing ship as Lange's, so despite his family's subsequent apostasy to that peculiar Anglo sect known as Methodism, I was rooting for him all the way. Best one-liner of the night was Lange to one of Falwell's supporters: "I can smell the uranium on your breath!"

Somebody called Cam Rea has written a book on what he thinks happened to the Ten Lost Tribes, and it gets a positive front page review from Mac Overton. Rea's qualifications are not mentioned, which I suspect means he has none. Another BI bloke and ex-WCGer, Harold Hemenway, has likewise spilled ink on the subject recently.

I'm more curious about this Knight character. He has provided a muddled article about WCG's "backslide in Protestantism" - despite being a COG7 member. I guess he's tired of poking the borax at his own church and being ignored, so decided to join the fray amongst the stroppier COG cousins.

I'm not sure what to make of the report that "The new online Living University sponsored by the Living Church of God, the latter founded by Roderick C. Meredith in 1998, kicks off this fall", given that LU has already held its first graduation ceremony. Hopefully the reference to "kicks off" is a tactful but predictive synonym for "kicks the bucket." One can only live in hope.

Remember the ongoing kerfuffle at Port Austin? PABC is and isn't holding a FOT this year. Confused? The solution to the conundrum is in the Notes and Quotes section which you can read online (see below.)

Most fascinating is the revelation that a connection exists between WCG and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Just when you think you can't be surprised any more!

A special AW award to William Dankenbring for the chutzpah behind this tortured headline in the Connections ad section: Celebrate with us! The 21st Anniversary of God's Activation ...of Triumph Prophetic Ministries as the replacement, "obedient" CHURCH OF GOD, Replacing the WCG as God's True Work on January 17, 1987 - one year exactly from the date Herbert W. Armstrong died!

Is this the same Herbert W. Armstrong who banned Willie's books from Feast sites?

The Journal website is www.thejournal.org, and you can preview the issue (front and back pages - which includes the PABC item in Notes and Quotes) here.

Das Wiener Haus

The photographs below recently appeared on Don't Drink the Flavor Aid. According to the blog they show the humble domicile of God's chosen End-Time twosome, the dynamic duo of Ronald and Laura Weinland, the Two Witnesses.

Nice, very nice if you're into Cincinnati chic. Not much indication of sackcloth, ashes and dung heaps here! And don't be fooled by the street frontage, take a gawp around the back.

Which just goes to demonstrate - as if it needed demonstrating once again - that tithing pays. At least it pays if you are the fortunate one collecting the Lord's moolah.

What I don't understand is just how you pick up an official accreditation for this kind of thing. Where do you collect an application form? Does Ron have a framed certificate on his wall, personally signed by Jesus Christ, authorizing him to function as His official tithe collector? Or was he commissioned by a visiting angel - the one in charge of Heavenly Throne Financial Services (HTFS)? What percentage of the Eternal's ten percent does Ron get to keep? How much does a franchise cost?

And while few of us would deny Ron and Laura a modest bungalow in the burbs, just how does God (or Ron, if there's a difference) decide that Ron should enjoy this more elevated standard of living? Does Ron have an annual performance appraisal from HTFS? Does Christ sign off on Ron's raises? Will Ron get a divine bonus this year despite seriously screwing up his prophecy about 2008? Does God issue guidelines for this kind of thing... some sort of heavenly code of ethics for His earth-bound tithe collectors?

However you look at it, being God's top punk-wallah seems to have its perks.

But a nagging question remains. How many of the Weinland tithe-force, the decent but naive garden variety folks who bankroll the Great Man and his wife, hanging from his every faux pas, enjoy anything close to a similar lifestyle?

Bye bye BI (II) - Hose(a)d Off

A further excerpt from Presiding Evangelist Rod Meredith's current editorial.

Many biblical prophecies predict what is starting to happen to the U.S. and British-descended peoples. The entire book of Hosea, in fact, is a dual prophecy - describing what was going to happen to those nations in ancient times, and what is about to happen to them today, during the prophesied "time of the end."

Say what?

The entire book of Hosea?

Says who?

I'm currently suffering through a 200-level paper on Old Testament Prophets. The content is fascinating despite a truckload of reading. The focus is on the so-called "minor prophets", including Hosea, so I've been hitting the books and cruising the commentaries. Here's the thing, none of them mention this supposedly self-evident "fact."

Frankly, I don't think Meredith has a clue about the prophets. I can almost guarantee that he's never got off his fat half-acre and familiarized himself with scholarship on this section of the Hebrew Bible.

Which is fine, most people are too busy living their lives to fuss about such obscure things... unless of course they set themselves up as experts on the subject.

People like Meredith, Flurry, Pack...

Here's my challenge to Meredith, or any other BI defenders: find one genuine scholar in the last fifty years who finds the "fact" of "dual prophecy" present in Hosea. Cite one recognized academic publication that gives credence to this position.

But it's worse than that. Qualified commentators (those who've done the hard yards Meredith hasn't) not only fail to mention this curious "fact", but instead find a whole level of meaning in these ancient texts that have nothing to do with BI. I'm willing to bet Meredith and his myrmidons are totally ignorant of that: a whole, gaping "missing dimension" to their understanding of the prophets.

Am I saying Meredith hasn't got a clue? Absolutely!

BI doesn't self-destruct solely on scientific grounds such as DNA research (although you'd think that'd give the densest champion of British-Israelism pause for thought), but also because it turns much of the Bible into a caricature of itself.

More on this later.